I began my journey to heal sexual trauma two and a half years from today. I raged,

cried, dissociated, denied, and did my very best to ignore the impact it had on my life.

What could I do with this information--this realization?

I’m blessed to have supportive people in my life, a wonderful counsellor, and

access to non-conventional means of therapy which ultimately brings me to my next

step in healing: intentional prayer and orgasm.

In my solitude, armed with knowledge trauma is usually trapped in the hips, I didn’t feel

safe to experience pleasure and felt awful with the shame following orgasm, I set out to

face all of these with the power of God and a Hitachi wand vibrator.

Every night, I’d perform my nightly ritual to get ready for bed, pray asking God to

witness me in all of me and hold me, then I got to work. At first the shame was

debilitating; I didn’t want to continue. I’d scream and cry. It was agony to hear myself--

to feel myself.

I kept going, night after night, feeling God's presence. As tears slowly subsided and

screams stopped, tightness in my groin released, until I could finally breath up into my

heart and beyond.

I had started this process in April of 2024, last night August 16, 2024 I heard a voice

clear as day in my head "You're free". Now that wasn’t the only thing I heard in my head

in the months I've been on this journey. I heard many things leading up to this moment

"You're safe", "You're Mine", "I've got you", etc.

I don't know where this will lead, and I don't know if I'll be more sexually open with a

partner just yet. What I do know is I feel safer with myself. God will always witness me

in all my being (even when I feel too much for me sometimes), and with orgasms that

don't hurt anymore.

We'll see you later...